Top Ten things you'll never hear on the USS Enterprise:

10) "No, please, Mr. Data, do go on.  I find your list of
    synonyms for 'extinct' fascinating..."
9) "Good work, Counselor.  If you hadn't told us those aliens
   had hostile intent, we would have been completely fooled by
   their plan"
8) "Jean-Luc, since the ship is in no danger at all, and we're
   not about to die, there's something I want to tell you...
7) "The... doohicky... has gone all... funny, making that gizmo
   light up... the one that means the warp engines are... ya
   know... all messed up."
6) "Captain's Log, Stardate... damn.  What's the date? Number
   One, what's today?  No, I know it's Tuesday, what's the
   date? The STARdate!!"
5) "Tea, Lemon Zinger, iced."
4) "Klingons do NOT wear frilly underwear... at least not on
   duty."
3) "Prime Directive?  We don't need no steenkin' Prime Directive!"
2) "The aliens are locking their weapons on us... firing...
   a miss.  Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can laugh in 
   their faces?"

And the number one thing you will never hear on the USS Enterprise:
1) "Ah, what the heck.  I'm bored.  Screw the hailing frequencies,
   fire at will."
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.5) "Counsellor Troi, have you put on a little weight?"
.4)  ÒNo counsellor we didnt expect you to feel anything this episode.Ó
.3)  ÒI say we talk to them first before we shoot.ÓÑLt. Worf
.2)  ÒI donÕt think I should be here...I mean IÕm only five.ÓÑWesley Crusher
.1)  ÒIÕm not only the president, IÕm also a client.ÓÑCaptain Picard
.09)  ÒNo I have standards and taste in women.ÓÑRiker
.08) ÒNo I have standards and taste in hats.ÓÑGuinan
.07)  ÒNo I donÕt have emotion but Tasha Yar was a good lay.ÓÑData
.06)  ÒI want to have a big family.ÓÑPicard
.05)  ÒI just want to be friends.ÓÑLwaxana Troi
.04)  ÒI just want to be friends.ÓÑany Ferengi
.03)  "To hell with opening channels!  Fire!" -Picard, posessed by the spirit of one James T. Kirk!
.02)  ÒI don't understand how to use this alien technology.Ó -Wesley Crusher
.01) "Hey!  Let's outbeard Riker!"
.009) Anyone at Geordie  - "Hey!  One-Eye!"
.008 "Where's Number 1?" "He's making Number 2!!!"

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Top Ten Bumperstickers for the U.S.S. Enterprise

10) Our other starship separates into THREE pieces!
9) One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it.
8) HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!
7) Guns don't kill people, Mark VII phaser rifles do.
6) Zero to warp 9.7 in 3 seconds!
5) CAUTION!  We have a trigger-happy Klingon at tactical!
4) If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?
3) Have you hugged a Ferengi Today?
2) Wesley on board!
1) We break for cubes.

Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship:
"Blonde Borgs have the same fun."

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The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard...enjoy

 10. ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself
     on the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"
  9. yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees
     a shuttlecraft
  8. screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge
  7. spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his
     forehead
  6. lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers
     at other life-forms
  5. sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if
     Dick Hertz is there
  4. asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show
     her "a REAL Picard Maneuver"
  3. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the
     Neutral Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"
  2. telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead,
     make it so"
  1. putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an
     away team beams back up
 
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 Top nine fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise:

 9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft
 8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data
 7. Giving Worf A nuggie
 6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 minutes into the
    future just to piss them off (haha, free pizza!)
 *5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Folger's
    crystals
 4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy
    during self-destruct sequence
 3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression
 2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed
    aboard Prince Albert In A Can
 1. Tribble sex!

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The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek:
 
 10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the
     Green Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7.
 
  9) You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.
 
  8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the
     Enterprise.
 
  7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a
     Klingon and torture you for information.
 
  6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and
     crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a whale.
 
  5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers
     of T.J. Hooker and Capt. Kirk.
 
  4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek?
     Isn't that the one with Luke Skywalker?"
 
  3) You have no life.
 
  2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list.
 
  1) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates
     you calculated for the planet Vulcan.